Understanding "why?"

I have some friends who are experiencing times of trials. One is going through a nasty divorce, another is helping his 25 year old son battle cancer, a third is trying to find peace in a time of financial difficulty. All of them have asked to some degree, "Why me?" One of them expressed anger or frustration with God, but I'm sure that the others feel it and have just said nothing to me about it. I have asked the same question myself at times, or some variation like "What have I done to deserve this?", "Why is this happening to me?", or, my personal self-pity favorite, "Why am I going through this while others who are not as good as me aren't?" I'm sure these questions look familiar to you all, since I bet you've asked them yourself at one time or another. Well, I may have an answer for you.

I won't ascribe this answer to God necessarily, although I do believe in Him and that He has a plan for us. We are the sum of our experiences and our reactions to them. We have been given the infinite capacity to process and to learn, if we choose to. Most of the truly effective learning we do is done in a struggle against adversity- sad but true. What we choose to learn from an experience is entirely up to us. We can choose to take away a positive or constructive lesson, or we can choose to take an experience and turn it into a justification for our prejudices and negative thoughts.

Why should we go through life as if it is nothing but one big time of trial. When we look for and find the negative lessons in life, we lose the perspective to recognize even the good times. Life is meant to be lived, good times and bad. It is up to us to decide how much of our lives is filled with bad times and just how bad they are. If we take the view that life is a continual learning experience and place the lessons of the day into the larger framework of our entire lives, even the worst of experiences is a blip on the radar. It is only one moment of many and we can choose to give it meaning by allowing it to drag us down or by allowing it to help us learn and grow.

The meaning of your life is not summed up today, it is summed up the day that you die. Use every day and every experience to help you on your journey of becoming who you are, who you are meant to be. Let them teach you constructive lessons and insights into how you relate to the world and what you can do to better make your mark in it. Live for your entire life, not just the sporadic moments of happiness. If those moments are the only ones that you allow to teach you anything, then how much knowledge and understanding are you letting pass you by?

Since I'm blogging on the Political Simpleton...

I'll save the more personal stuff for here. This is the place where I can riff on the thoughts and observations on people, thoughts, and feelings.

Been on an online dating site- got depressed on Valentine's Day and wanted to give it a shot. It's been interesting to say the least. Men are funny (but I'm sure they think that way about us). These are guys who are serious enough about looking for someone that they have taken the trouble to put a profile online and check it. Some have even come out and said they are looking for a long term relationship. For a guy to actually come out and declare that, that he's looking for a serious relationship; that's some major stuff. Most guys want to be able to leave a foot outside the door, so they'll say they're interested in dating so they can always come back with they weren't looking for anything serious when the girl they've been dating wants more.

Anyway, in the curse of only a week I have been intently pursued and then mysteriously rejected by 4 different guys. For anyone who has done online dating before, you know the one- he fills up your inbox and wants responses, says he wants to know all about you, maybe even wants your number or gives you his, and then POOF!. In a puff of smoke he is gone, as quickly as he appeared...

Or the one that wants to talk right away because he is too busy to email. Then dude, why are you on an ONLINE dating site, where communication is done via email. Would you call someone who came up to you on the street, said two sentences to you and gave you their number? Heck, no, but this guy who says he is looking for a long term relationship, whose profile heading is "Looking for a wife and mother" thinks that is reasonable. If he has no patience for exchanging a couple of emails, does he have the patience to deal with a colicky baby. Somehow I think not...

We won't even go into the guys who are of a certain age, who are totally average in looks and not the most fit specimens (but claim to be average or athletic- compared to who, men in a retirement home?), yet feel that they should be dating a woman under the age of 28, is hot looking, who wears a size 2 or 4 and has a c cup or better, and who could get any guy she wants. This woman will be mature, independent, have a stable job, is not high maintenance, and is happy dating a completely average guy with nothing special going for him in the looks or money department. I find it inspiring that there are people who are capable of such strong irrational faith in this world- or completely frightening...

Or the ones who think that the way to a girl's heart is by completely insulting her and pissing her off, cause "we all like a challenge". If he treats me kindly from the get go, I might expect it. Better to let me know what I'm getting into from the start, I mean who can't respect that kind of honesty...

There's more stories in the naked city, but I will peel them off one by one like the layers of an onion. And like an onion, they are stinky and can make you cry if you let them...

When too much is not enough

I am a devoted mother who happens to be a never married single parent who has raised my son without a partner. It has not always been an easy road to take, but before I made that choice I took the time to seriously consider all the options, responsibilities, and consequences of my actions. I had not planned to get pregnant, but realized that I was in the right place mentally and emotionally to have a child and could develop the resources necessary to successfully raise that 1 child. I have never taken any government assistance other than unemployment when I was laid off nor took any child support, no matter how hard things got over the 10 years of my son's life. While I would like to have another child one day, I know that raising that child alone again is not an option; it would be more than I could handle and just not be fair.

That said, while I understand a woman's desire and right to have and raise a child outside of a relationship, I do not understand the selfishness and lack of forethought displayed by Nadya Suleman. She deliberately planned to have a minimum of 7 children with no job or ability to raise them independently. She did not start to have her children until she was on disability for a back injury sustained on the job. She used the state's money to allow her to be pregnant for the bulk of the last 9 years and her pregnancies to justify her disabled status in order to keep collecting checks. She, in an interview, referred to herself as an 'incubator'. The fact that she claims to have saved for the money to pay for her in vitro shows that she did all this deliberately. Granting that the octuplets were not in her plan, at what point during her 6 other pregnancies did it not occur to her that the fact that she was raising these children without a partner, making her these children's sole support, was more than she could handle? Did she think that eventually she would meet a man who would want to be with her and help her raise all these kids? Did she really think that she could without a doubt be a good mother to all these children? As a woman who has experienced what I have experienced, her delusional and irresponsible behavior flat out mystifies and disgusts me. And the fact that I, as a tax payer, am expected to foot the bill is a slap in the face.

I and every one else is paying to support these kids have a vested interest in their welfare. In that interest, I would suggest that these children be taken from Miss Suleman and be placed with families that have the ability and desire to raise them responsibly. If she had the means, I may not feel that way. If she found herself in this situation by accident (although 7 times would be a stretch), I would be more sympathetic. However the fact that she deliberately chose to do this and underwent hardship to carry it out gives me no reason to be sympathetic. She chose to bring children into the world with no regard to their safety and future welfare and felt that it was everyone else's responsibility to help fund this. To me, it is child endangerment, pure and simple.

People have vilified the doctor who did this, laying the blame at his feet by saying that he never should have done the in vitro to begin with. This woman is unhinged and determined; if it was not this doctor, she would have done whatever it took to find another. The responsibility and blame lies on her shoulders and hers alone. Someone needs to show the regard for these children's rights and needs and place them in good, loving homes and her in jail or a mental institution where anyone who shows that kind of callous disregard for her children should be. Her delusion and need to be loved will never allow her to do that.

I hate to see a situation where the state needs to act in a way that infringes on the rights of another, but enough is enough. That is a lesson these children should never have to learn the hard way.

25 Random Things...

I saw an online article yesterday complaining about this new thing sweeping Facebook called 25 Random Things About _____ . The article went off on how trivial and self serving it was and made fun of the whole thing. I can't say as I agree. I and a number of people I know have made and posted our lists. On the whole, these are people I have not seen in a very long time and am reestablishing contact with. Even though I have always remembered them fondly, I have not been an active part of their lives for as much as 25 years. I have learned so much about them from these lists, things that make me see and appreciate them in a light that I may never had if this list did not exist. For that, I am grateful.

There is so much to a person and what defines them, a unique combination of personality and experience. So much of what shapes a person, especially who they are inside, can be small things that have a huge impact, but are not "important" enough to become a part of conversation. I read so many things that surprised, impressed, and moved me that would never come up in a call or email and things in common I never would have suspected or thought of asking about. I have such greater appreciation for the people who have been a part of my life; people who I thought were just accidentally placed there. It seems that it may not be so accidental. Even if I never see or speak to these people again, I have learned something from them all which will always make them valuable to me. I have been allowed to see into who they are, what they value, and what makes them unique and special. This seemingly trivial act, the making of this list, has given me far more than I ever could have imagined. I hope that all of the people I know make this list. I look forward to the little treasures they will leave behind.

Thank you to whoever started this list. You have connected me to a world I would not have known existed.

Glass houses...

I was reading about the disappointing result of the Daschle and Killefer nominations, I am reminded of two catchphrases. The first is, "Karma is a bitch." The second is, "Character is who you are when no one is watching." Both of these apply here. I don't think that these two individuals thought that the rules did not apply to them, although there seem to be plenty in Washington who do. I honestly believe that they are like a lot of us- they acted selfishly because they didn't think they were going to get caught and, since it was only taxes, no one was going to get hurt by them trying to keep more of their money than they should.

Before we condemn, let's have a moment of honesty here. Have you ever taken a deduction that was iffy or fudged an amount? Don't lie, almost everyone has. How do you think CPAs and tax attorneys stay in business? Why do we feel it is okay for us to condemn some one's character for something we have no qualms doing ourselves? Aren't we only harming ourselves by rejecting the help of experienced and well qualified people because they are no more perfect than we are? Obama, in reaction to this "scandal" has said that there should not be a different set of rules for those in office than there is for the American public. By expecting perfection from our public officials but not from ourselves, aren't we creating a separate set of rules for them?

That said, these two people demonstrate something that many of us deny- there is a day of reckoning for every bad act we take. It may take for a while and we may even forget the circumstances under which it happened, but eventually our bad acts will come back and bite us on the butt in one way or another. The determination of the goodness of an act does not rest with whether or not we are likely to get caught. Just because you weren't detected and held responsible doesn't mean that what you did was okay.

While no one is perfect and one's good acts should outweigh the bad ones, we do not through our imperfection and good acts get carte blanche to do whatever we want, especially if we feel no one will find out or "everyone else does it too." In our hearts, we know what is right and wrong. Even if no one EVER finds out, we know what we did and it affects how we view ourselves and the choices we make later on. Karma is not limited to the outside effects of our actions, we create karma for ourselves through our internal choices. Karma is a bitch, yes, but we ultimately decide just how much of a bitch we want it to be.

Then there's character. Our knowing what is right and wrong is the voice of our character. If we ALWAYS act with character, then we never have to look over our shoulder and wonder if retribution is coming. If we make sure that we are always right with ourselves and others, that we act with the same level of honesty and integrity that we wish from others, then we will never have to worry about a day of reckoning. If you are known for always telling the truth, when a situation comes up that throws doubt on you or what you have said, then you will be ten times more likely to be believed and given the benefit of the doubt. If you lie, even occasionally, then there will always be the question of whether you are telling the truth THIS time. Why put yourself in that position? Pretend that there is always someone watching, because even if no one else is, there's always your conscience.

And you can never escape your conscience; it's always with you.

Here we go again...

While I am not familiar with all 600+ line items in Obama's stimulus plan and I'm sure that there are some things that may bear some legitimate scrutiny, I find it hard to believe that it is so bad that not a single House Republican could see enough merit in it to vote for its passage. Yet, that is just what has happened.

Remember just 8 weeks ago (my, how time has flown) when after the election, Republicans everywhere were doing the bipartisan cooperation dance. Speeches and comments right and left began with "What this country needs is an end to the bipartisan bickering..." House Democrats took out and added some items into the plan to address Republican concerns, but that was still not enough. If the plan was going to be voted for and passed by Democrats alone, no matter what changes were made, then why should the Democrats have made any changes at all? And if House Republicans were not going to vote for the plan anyway, no matter what, why suggest any changes?

If it weren't so important and have such impact, I'd think this behavior was worth a good laugh. I certainly would be laughing if, as I have witnessed many a time, I saw this behavior between my 3 year old nephew and 6 year old niece. But between grown adults it is just pathetic. The Republicans seem to still want to do things their way. The American public spoke loud and clear about what they thought about that way of doing things, but apparently the Republicans chose not to listen. Americans voted for change. Maybe the Republicans on Capitol Hill should listen to the voice of the American people and embrace a policy of change, with their role being the guardians of reason who temper the fire of radical change into something workable and sustainable.

Maybe if they were to handle this delicate time with grace and positive effectiveness, they may have a shot at getting some voters to take a good, fresh look at them again. As it is, since the election, I have seen nothing but the same old petty, vindictive schtick that I was already tired of. I have a few words for the Republican guard : stop whining, stop being negative, and DO SOMETHING! Don't just cross your arms and sulk, with an "if I can't make the rules, I don't wanna play" attitude. Wake up, grow up, and put up. America needs you, as they need all of its servants, to stand up and take action, to inspire and lead, to provide an example of how to take courage and fashion it into a better life for us all.

America has a chance to show what it is made of, to be our highest self. Our representatives should be the first and best reflection of this. If this is how they choose to take up the mantle, then I say throw them out. Which is exactly what I, and other voters, will do this coming November and the ones to follow.

Inspiring stuff

As I listened to President Obama's inauguration speech yesterday, I must admit I was quite moved at points. In many ways, it was the same message I would be delivering if it were me up on that podium. I too believe that government is only part of the puzzle, and should provide the light and example to help us lead ourselves out of this difficult time. I too believe that at the end of the day, our principles should never be compromised for what is profitable or expedient, especially when dealing with other nations. I too believe that the best way to lead, both this country and around the world, is to show that you have earned the right to lead by acting with consistent principle and with the common welfare of all in mind.

Any doubt that Obama was an ambitious man with a vision was erased in my mind yesterday. Most presidents are. I was just happy to find that his vision was mine and that his ambition was not only for himself and his own narrow agenda. My only hope and fear is that he will be forced to compromise too much on that vision or that he will be prevented from fully acting on it.

The American people wanted hope, we wanted change. Well, we got it. It's up to us to help our President to give us what we want and what we need. If we can achieve even half of what was spelled out in yesterday's Inaugural Address, we will have worked hard for a worthy goal, have much to be proud of, and have left a fine legacy and example for our children and for future generations to come.

Let's lift ourselves up, dust ourselves of, and walk boldly into the positive future we are about to create.

Things I learned from the Eagles

I'm an Eagles fan (take the girl out of Philly, but can't take Philly out of the girl). I watched the NFC Championship game yesterday and wondered what team stepped out of the locker room and played for the Eagles during the first half of the game. They may have looked like the Eagles, but they certainly did not play like the Eagles of the last 5 or so games. They got their butts handed to them by a team that was well prepared, if not exactly brilliant. The Cards, to their credit, took advantage of the situation and made the best of the Eagles lack of everything that made them look so good postseason. I don't know what Andy Reid said during half time, but the Eagles that I knew finally stepped out on the field for the second half and made up an 18 point deficit, leading by one until the Cards were able to score their only TD of the second half. The Cards will be going to the Super Bowl and the Eagles will be going home. But that is not the way it it should have been.



For whatever reason- nerves, lack of confidence, lack of focus, poor planning, overconfidence, or any other of a host of reasons- the Eagles were their own worst enemy during the first half of that game. To their credit, they pulled it together when their backs were against the wall, but they never should have been in that position. They were not beat by a superior team, frankly they lost. They beat themselves. How often does that happen to you in your life?



We all sabotage ourselves from time to time; creating self fulfilling prophecies of doom and gloom, inventing insurmountable odds, building up an enemy into something super human, downplaying our abilities and opportunities, and rejecting support. For some of us it becomes such a habit that pessimism is second nature to us. But is it realistic?



We don't always hold all the cards to come out on top in a difficult situation, but a good amount of the time we do or at least we have the ability to come out even. Some realistic assessment of both what you bring to the situation and what you are facing, combined with a dash of hope, a dollop of preparation, and a lot of work is what most situations require. Their is no need for blind faith or unrealistic optimism. If we give ourselves the credit that we give the challenges we face, then it's not too hard to believe that a great deal is possible.



Don't wait until a situation becomes desperate and your back is against the wall to marshal your inner strength and ingenuity. Develop a clear and true vision of who you are and what you are capable of, then make a fair assessment of what you are facing. After you have prepared yourself, be proactive, act decisively and with forethought, and take the best advantage of your momentum. While you will not always be victorious, you will not have beaten yourself and will always be able to walk away knowing that you have given your very best effort. I don't think the Eagles are able to say the same.

A symptom... or a cause?

Just as Michael Milken was the poster child for 80's greed and excess and Enron became a negative benchmark for the 90's, the millennium has found it's new anti-hero in Bernie Madoff. You look at these men and their stories and wonder how they could operate from such a lack of conscience. Why men like this could be so driven by greed and personal wealth that they truly stopped at nothing. I argue that it is not a unique all-consuming preoccupation with gain, but more that it's all a matter of scale.

How many people would stiff a waiter if they though they could get away with it? If you're given too much change at a store, do you give the overage back or do you put it in your pocket and go on your way? If you are undercharged for something, do you bring it to some one's attention and pay what is truly owed? While some do, many don't. How is this any different than what these men did, except in scale? You knew your "victim" just as they did. You had a way to rectify the situation and be honest and fair, but you didn't. So did they.

Whether for billions or cents, the ethical implications were the same. While you condemn their actions, look inside yourself- is there a part of you that is secretly in awe of them and their nerve? A part that admires the sheer guts it took to pull it off in such a grand scale? A part that wonders if you could have gotten away with it too? Madoff was not "caught"; he confessed to family, who then turned him in. Would he have gotten caught eventually? Who knows; there were certainly enough red flags for the regulators and investors to see, but they didn't. He could have taken off and disappeared before anyone would have done anything about it.

When you read about Madoff or his "brothers", take a moment to think. Are the seeds of his actions in you? And when you are placed in a situation that tests your integrity, even if it is small, what will your choice be? The Madoffs of the world have their place- they are a cautionary wake up call to the greed that lives within all of us. It is up to each of us to learn from it.

Disturbing lack of focus

The media and our self serving natures are playing a very scary game of smoke and mirrors. We are all feeding our worst doom and gloom scenarios and focusing almost solely on our own perceived national and personal financial situation and almost ignoring what could very well turn into the next international conflict in Gaza. If that happens, it would affect not only our precious finances, but the lifeblood of our nation and our children.

The vast majority of us, especially now that gas prices have dropped, are really not any worse off than we were this time last year. Our 401k statements may look a lot uglier, but since most of us are not retiring this year, it is all perception. 93% of us still have our jobs, we still have our homes, we still have our lives. But if this situation in the Gaza escalates, we may not have that anymore. At the present time, both sides are ignoring the rest of the world in their calls for peace and reasonable, constructive dialogue. Both the Israelis and Palestinians (through their support of Hamas) are doing nothing but deepening the rift between them. They are each using the actions of the other to justify their continued hostility.

Should this conflict deepen and require or inspire the military involvement of outside parties, we will see open multinational warfare on our hands. The UN, and especially the US, is already spread too thin with the conflicts they are already involved in, besides those that are threatening in Nigeria, North Korea, Pakistan/India, and Iran. The Islamic nations and their extremists are already stirred up, feeling defensive, and looking for a justifiable excuse to vent their anger and frustration.

In this country, open multinational conflict (a "world war") would result in huge deficit spending to beef up the military, a draft in order to provide the manpower necessary to fulfill our increasing obligations, the need for rationing in order to supply the war effort, and the death and injury of our sons and daughters . Yes, it may not be happening here, but what is going on in the Gaza has very real and major consequences for us and we should all be more invested in what is going on in that area.

Americans, because of our size and our geographic location, have always felt ourselves to be removed from what is going on elsewhere in the world. Unless it directly affects us in a blatant and obvious way, we tell ourselves that it is not our concern. We are at war, but how many of us are really up on what is going on in Iraq or Afghanistan? Does the news even touch on it daily anymore? Do we demand that they do? No... after the number of years we have been at war there, it has become old news, as is any fighting in the Middle East. Our collective response is, "Are they at it again?" We might as well shake our heads and say, "Those crazy kids" for all of our lack of concern. But these are real people who are dying over a long standing cause that arouses a great deal of passion. It will not be resolved easily or without outsiders coming in and giving these two groups a swift karmic kick upside the head to get them to stop for a moment and see reason. The Israelis and Palestinians are so stuck in this pattern of loathing and retribution that they can't see straight. Getting them to look with outside eyes and without the blinders of hatred and bias is the key here, but that can't be done if we all are wearing our own blinders of self interest and self pity.

There is nowhere in the world where we can hide from hostility and conflict- not in our own cocoons or in the false illusions we create for ourselves. The ugliness of the outside world will enter in whether we choose to ignore it or not. Our only hope is to face it head on and proactively do something about it. People here buried their heads in the sand when the world was dealing with the danger posed by Germany and Japan for years and it took the loss of thousands of lives in Pearl Harbor to pull our heads and take action. We can't afford in this age of weapons of mass destruction and atomic weapons available to the highest bidder to let that happen again. It won't be a mere thousands of lives this time around.

We must begin a strong push for dialogue now, with the public resolve of the American people behind it. We truly can't afford not to.

The truth according to whom?

First of all- Happy Birthday to me!

I went to dinner and a movie last night with a friend to celebrate. Dinner was great, but the movie was even better. We saw Frost/Nixon. The acting was tight and very good from everyone in the cast. The story kept moving with great momentum and managed to take what could have been very dry and studious and made it human with moments of humor and candor. Even though he was not exactly a dead ringer, Langella nailed Nixon and gave me some very interesting insight into who he was. My friend and I left the theater in the throws of a great conversation inspired by the movie; something that really doesn't happen after a film much anymore.

My personal feelings about what Nixon did aside, I was struck by the fact that the American public seemed to be waiting for a confession that would never happen. It is not that Nixon did not want to admit he was wrong, or that he was incapable of accepting responsibility for his actions and the dishonor they showed. It is that he simply did not believe he did anything wrong and was shocked that the American people reacted the way they did.

Listening to what was said during the interviews in the filmn, I saw that he was an extremely pragmatic man, which was one of the qualities that allowed him to form the relationships he did with Mao and Brezhnev. He believed that the ends justified the means. I believe that he truly was, in his heart, a true public servant; on who was not able to relinquish control to others because he believed that in order for the necessary result to occur, he had to do as much as possible himself. He was an extremely intelligent, shrewd, and practical man of conviction who had a vision for what he wanted to accomplish. His goal was to see to the higher good of the American people. Because of this, he believed that as long as it was done in hisview of the perceived best interest of the American people, anything he did was right. That was his greatest strength. It was also his greatest weakness and the source of his downfall.

Nixon could never apologize for the break in and subsequent cover up because he believed he was right for doing whatever it took to be reelected; not for personal power, but because I believe he truly believed he was the only man who could do the job and do it right. To him, it was unthinkable that anyone else, especially a liberal, could be President and lead as he saw the situation needed. We will never have the chance to see if he was right. I would not be surprised if he even saw himself as a sort of martyr; one who was uniquely capable to give all in service to his country. This would make him noble in his own eyes, which would make the controversy even less understandable to him and an apology impossible. Once the break in was discovered, he would feel compelled to protect those that helped him; the "unsung heroes" who were being "fed to the lions". This would be the sort of thought pattern he would use to justify his loyalty to men like Haldeman and Ehrlichman and his lack of diligence in bringing them to justice. You have to think; anyone who he trusted enough to act in his behalf would have had to show themselves worthy and able to complete the task as well as Nixon would. This would have been a high hurdle to jump; Nixon would have known that and valued that knowledge with his loyalty.

I don't agree with what he did. I do not believe the ends justify the means, no matter how great or positive the ends. When that happens, you take away the moral authority of the result and taint anything the ends may achieve. I would rather fail with honor and integrity than succeed without it. That said, I do see what Nixon was trying to do and why. I understand why he was unable to give people the confession they so desperately wanted and why he withdrew from the public rather than give it. For him to confess to something he perceived was just would go against everything he personally stood for. I will not call him a bad man, because I don't believe he was. I think he was a man with a lot of admirable and good qualities who utilized them from a faulty sense of perspective. He should not be vilified, but should be a cautionary tale to us all of how even the best of us can be easily led astray to become the which we desire least to be.

What does supposed to be mean?

"That's not how it's supposed to be!" "You're supposed to do this, say that, act like this." "A person in your position just doesn't do that!" How many times have we said this, let alone thought this, whether about ourselves or someone else? And just what does it mean? Does it mean that if we don't look, speak, or act a certain way, there's something wrong with us? Who decides what "supposed to" looks like?

Society sets legitimate standards for legitimate reasons. Standards for conduct help to keep society running smoothly and assist in preventing harm and exploitation of all members of society. But there is a tipping point after which standards create rigid codes which no longer keep people working together in harmony, but instead create discord. This is where prejudices, unnecessary judgement, and hypocrisy occur. Hatred, distrust, and intolerance of anything that deviates from "the norm" push people apart and erode the ties that bind us as human beings. Conformity becomes more important than what is right, just, or honest. The standards lose their meaning, and, consequently, their authority.

I would suggest that rather than ask if something is within the bounds of "normal", we ask a few questions as a kind of litmus test before making judgement. Is the person or thing done with an underlying sense of honesty and good intent? Is it harmful to others? Is it done with integrity and responsibility? What are the effects or results that derive from it? In my mind, if the way something looks, speaks, or acts is done within those parameters, who really cares if it falls within the bounds of what is "normal"? Much of what we do today in modern American society has been considered "abnormal" or "subversive" by some culture somewhere at some point in time. But labeling an something "abnormal" or "bad" does not make it wrong. If someone who is otherwise a happy, positive person who fulfills their responsibilities, takes care of themselves and others, and causes no harm wants to believe they are an alien from another planet, does it really matter? If a woman who is a good person wants to live in an open, loving, committed relationship with another person, male or female, is it wrong? If a young boy wants to take ballet lessons instead of karate because he enjoys it, how is that a bad thing? If a man who is a kind and loving husband, father, and friend likes to secretly and privately dress in women's underwear every once and a while in his own home, where's the harm? The only way these could be categorized as wrong is if you hold that anything that falls outside a narrow band of "appropriate behavior" is wrong.

Indeed, rules exist for a reason and should be respected. However, respect is a far cry from blind obedience without examining a rule's validity and purpose. While I don't believe that "rules were meant to be broken", I do believe that most rules were meant to be bent some times, for some reasons. We shouldn't cripple ourselves and others by holding on to "supposed to". If we all act with honesty, integrity, compassion, and ill will toward none, then we'll all do just fine and our society will too.

Images of another time?

Over the holidays, while I was sick, I watched a lot of movies when I wasn't sleeping. On Christmas Eve, I managed to catch the last hour of a movie I had not seen in a long time and had forgotten about, Frank Capra's Meet John Doe. I was knocked on my back side and immediately got online to find and buy it. It is the story of Ann (Barbara Stanwyck) who loses her newspaper writing job in a ownership change. She is a single woman who is the sole support of her widowed mother and younger sisters, so in a desperate bid to keep her job, as her last story for the paper she makes up an anonymous "John Doe" letter by a man who claims to be so disgusted with society and how men treat each other that he is going to throw himself off the roof of City Hall at midnight on Christmas Eve in protest. The letter creates huge buzz and the paper decides to keep her on and hire a man to pretend to be "John Doe". They choose an ex- baseball pitcher hobo named John (Gary Cooper) and pay him to go along with it, promising him a one way ticket out of town on Christmas Eve. Soon the corrupt and wealthy new owner of the paper, DB Horton, realizes the power John could have, after he has Anne write a radio speech to capitalize on John's popularity. She crafts a speech promoting the values of understanding, kindness and generosity toward your neighbors and the message gets a huge positive reception.



John tours the country, giving more of these speeches and begins to believe he is "John Doe", inspiring common folk to start clubs and movements aimed at acting on those values in his speeches. What began as a publicity stunt to sell newspapers has become a full fledged movement. DB starts manipulating the movement to jockey for the formation of a third party, which he would head and be the presidential candidate for. He and his friends have intentions that are decidedly not on par with John's and the movement's ideals, so DB squelches the movement and tries to silence John after he discovers DB's plans and tries to reveal them publicly. DB's success at turning the public against him leads John to flee, and on Christmas Eve he climbs to the top of City Hall to martyr himself and fan the flames of the movement to resuscitate it. Ann, who has fallen in love with him, as well as some other "John Doe" supporters, come to City Hall to stop him. They convince him not to jump because, in the words of Ann, "If an idea is worth dying for, it's worth living for."



I was very affected by this film because those values resonate with me too. Did John singlehandedly change the world? No, but he encouraged others to join together and make a difference; to make their world a better place. I was so moved that I bought a collection of Capra films, including Mr. Deeds Goes to Town, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, You Can't Take It With You, and It's a Wonderful Life. All of these films are appeals to the goodness that lies within men's hearts and aspires to move us to live lives that reflect that goodness. Yes, in today's cynical eye, they may look simplistic, but that is only because we have chosen to make everything so complicated and "sophisticated". However, that doesn't change the fact that when you choose to suspend the jaded notions we hold as true, the ideas in these films are just as powerful today as they were then. They are also just as relevant. If I didn't recognize it myself, seeing the reaction of my 10 year old son to these films would confirm it.



Capra made these films during the Depression, when 25% of the population was unemployed and countless others were under employed or struggling. Everyone was primarily concerned with covering the basics and addressing the simple needs of life. Luxuries were just that and not part of the definition of what constitutes basic survival. That said, you know what the strange thing is? Talk to anyone who lived during that time and they'll tell you, while it was tough, they managed to be happy. They may have daydreamed about the life they saw in movies and magazines, but in reality, they were all in the same boat with their neighbors and found contentment with the overall quality of their lives. The average American toady live a life that only the wealthiest could achieve back then, yet all we do is complain about how tough things are.



Is it that the ideals in Capra's films are quaint, naive notions, or that we have such a skewed sense of what life is about that we can't appreciate them? I believe it is the latter. I highly doubt that a Capra film would ever see the light of day today, much less be a critical and commercial success. But that doesn't mean that we don't need to see these kind of films, hear these kinds of stories, and be affected by them. I will make a point of watching them, and my son with me, when I need to be reminded of what is real and what truly matters in this world.



Do yourself a huge favor. Go to the video store or online and pick up a copy of one of these Frank Capra films. Forget the fact that they are in black and white, are dialogue heavy, and contain no special effects or CGI. I think that, after watching them, you might end up a little sadder and a little wiser, but a lot more hopeful.

In the days things are supposed to change, they stay the same

First of all, Happy New Year everyone! I'm happy to say that I am well and finally back to normal, with just a few sniffles. I hope the holidays and the new year have seen you well.

I am disturbed by what is going on in Israel, even if I am not surprised. The Palestinians started this course by electing Hamas to represent them and by not taking the outrage of Israel in response seriously. When they chose a group to represent them who has the destruction of Israel as one of the tenets in their charter, they made a statement. And by not rising up as a people and holding Hamas accountable and in check, they signalled that they did not disagree with what Hamas was doing. Hamas' leader said over the weekend, as he called for the Palestinian people to rise up, that the actions of Israel in killing Plaestinian children and innocents legitimized the killing of Israeli children and innocents. In this statement, he basically said that the bombing they were conducting and its resulting civilian casualties were not legitimate before, but that now they are because Israel is doing the same thing they have been doing but on a grander scale. Does anyone else see what is wrong with this?

The Palestinians have stood by with their heads in the sand and then as lambs to the slaughter in all this and Israel has done its usual overwrought response which does nothing but create international outrage and reinforces the siege mentality the Palestinians already feel. The actions of both sides are yet another step in the same old dance that has been going on for the last 40 plus years. And yet there is one day supposed to be peace?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. What we have here in this ongoing conflict can only really be described then as insanity. Someone here, whether it be the Palestinians or the Israelis needs to step up and do something different and unexpected. They need to truly commit to the ideal of peace and then turn the other cheek. If Israel, as the superior military force in this conflict, would take the surprising path of offering an olive branch to those Palestinians that are not fighting and their representatives, they could foster ill will toward Hamas within the Palestinians and take advantage of the frustration that they are already feeling toward the situation. But Israel is too invested in its ego and pride to do this. It's got what I call little man's disease; it feels as if it doesn't come out swinging at every little threat, it makes itself a future victim. The truth is the other way around. Every time it swings out at nothing, it paints itself as the man to beat and isolates itself from more reasonable groups and countries. Do you take a gun out to shoot a bee that has just stung you? On the other hand, the Palestinians could show some maturity as a group and say "enough" to Hamas and the groups that continue to make then little more than victims. They could refuse to be defined by their fringe elements and take responsibility for their actions and destiny by acting as a whole in a reaonable group committed to peace. Drop the rocks and hold out their hands, both hands, and indicate that they are ready to see the situation for what it is and make the best of it. Neither group will ever have sole control and possession of the area again, they they need to learn to work together and find a solutionthat addresses the needs of everyone.

The time for peace is here, but it will take a swallowing of pride and ego on both sides for that to happen. I would think that brokering a lasting peace in the face of such past adversity is something, however, to be far more proud of.

Merry Christmas!

I did not disappear off the face of the earth, merely sicker than I have been for a long time. I am, however, finally on the mend and will be up and posting before you know it.

Enjoy the day, enjoy the remainder of the season!

Well, whaddya know?

This is taken from the July 31, 2007 issue of The American Society of Radiologic Technologists newsletter. As everyone, especially thos who are having a hard time right now, can use a bit mor joy in their lives this is certainly food for thought.

Paying taxes and giving to charity appear to stimulate the brain’s pleasure center, according to a new functional magnetic resonance study.
A three-member research team, including a cognitive psychologist and two economists, used fMR to scan the brains of 19 women as they watched their money go to the food bank through mandatory taxation, and as they made choices about whether to give more money voluntarily or keep it for themselves.
Participants were asked to lie on their backs in the fMR scanner for an hour-long session and view financial transfers on a computer screen. The scanner used a super-cooled magnet, carefully tuned radio waves and powerful computers to calculate what parts of the brain were active as subjects saw their money go to the food bank and made decisions on additional giving.
The fMR results showed that when the subjects saw the charity get the money, there was activation in two brain regions: the caudate nucleus and the nucleus accumbens. The activation was even larger when people gave the money voluntarily instead of just paying it as taxes. These brain regions are the same ones that fire up when basic needs and pleasures are satisfied.
Researchers were surprised that the brain's reward center was stimulated even when the subjects did not have a free choice as to where their money was going.
"It reinforces the idea that there is true altruism, where it's all about how well the common good is doing," said Ulrich Mayr, Ph.D., from the University of Oregon in Eugene, Ore. "I've heard people claim that they don't mind paying taxes, if it's for a good cause, and here we showed that you can actually see this going on inside the brain, and even measure it." The study appears in the June 15 issue of Science.
The study gives economists a novel look inside the brain during taxation, according to William T. Harbaugh, Ph.D., from the University of Oregon.
"To economists, the surprising thing about this paper is that we actually see people getting rewards as they give up money," he said. "Neural firing in this fundamental, primitive part of the brain is larger when your money goes to a nonprofit charity to help other people."
"On top of that, people experience more brain activation when they give voluntarily, even though everything here is anonymous," added Dr. Harbaugh. "That's a very surprising result and, to me, an optimistic one."
Dr. Mayr suggested that neural activation on fMR could help predict which people would give the most money to charity.
“We could call the people whose brains light up more when money goes to charity than to themselves altruists,” he said. "The others are egoists."
The research team noted that the study participants saw their tax dollars going to a food bank. It remains to be seen if the brain responses would have been similar if their taxes had not gone to charitable causes.
By Laurie Volkin and Richard S. Dargan, ASRT Contributing Writers

Seas of change

In the last few days, I have read some disturbing things about global warming; a phenomenon that many fiscal hawks are still saying doesn't exist. The Arctic ice has been melting at an alarming rate and the average temperature has risen in the Northern extremes by anywhere from 5 to 10 degrees. This melting has already caused an environmental impact in that area, as demonstrated by the plight of the polar bear. In other areas, the rising sea has forced residents of two Pacific Islands to be permanently relocated, as well as forcing the relocation of an Alaskan village that has been in existence for 400 years.

But what does it have to do with me, you say. I don't live in a coastal area (but a huge percentage of the Earth's population does). You would be astounded by how important it is that the Arctic environment and waters stay cold. The coldness of the water there is key in the movement of the Earth's tides and the enrichment of the ocean waters, which all marine life needs to survive. The tides help to create air movement and weather patterns. These things are critical to the current and future health of Earth.

How does this happen? Well all the water in the oceans eventually finds its way to the Arctic, where it becomes cold. The warm water stays on top and the cold water sinks, like a giant conveyor belt. I watched a documentary where you actually saw the sea folding- fascinating stuff. This turnover fed the currents worldwide, constantly moving enriched water from one place to another in constant movement throughout the world's oceans. If you raise the temperature of the Arctic and its waters, this folding of cold water under warmer water does not happen. Eventually the Earth's ocean's would become stagnant, which would negatively affect the water quality and the ocean's sustainability of marine life. While you may not eat a lot of fish, many around the world depend on it, and marine animals and plants form a major part of the food chain so it would eventually affect us all.

Take the time to read up on global warming- the potential impact it could have is staggering. Look at how you can do your part in keeping the impact of your daily life to a minimum. Any reduction in greenhouse gasses is a good one and can save you money to boot. Become aware of the environmental views of your representatives and hold them accountable for their votes. Let government and corporations know how you feel about policies and actions that harm the environment. Support the politicians and corporations who try to safeguard the environment with your dollars and votes.

You take care of yourself and your loved ones; don't forget to take care of the planet that takes care of you.

Coming to a country near you...

Over the last few weeks, the middle class in China has been a hotbed of unrest- strikes, protests, and widespread complaints. Over the last ten years, they have gotten used to their standard of living, complete with cars, vacations, gadgets, and meals out with friends. The younger generation has come to see these things as a right. The Chinese are no longer willing to live a life of subsistence; they want more.

China has become yet another country to fall to the lure of materialism, confusing the ability to have "stuff" for rights. They are not protesting for basic freedoms or human rights. Those are secondary. They are unhappy with the government because the government is not doing what they feel is necessary to guarantee their current level of material comfort.

What's the big deal, you say. The big deal is that, like any capitalist economy, the moment human rights and freedoms become secondary to material comfort beyond basic survival, then freedom becomes a saleable commodity. All a government has to do is keep you fat and happy, providing lots of "stuff" to distract you, and they have the right to treat you however they want. It's like waving a shiny object in front of your face to distract you as they get ready to kick you.

Here in the US, we trade money for basic rights every day. We allow companies to pollute our environment and to exploit our open spaces so that we can save a few pennies on consumer goods. We give up our privacy for convenience, with cell phones, EZ pass cards, and shopping and debit cards. We allow corporate interests to dictate our war policies and so send our sons to die on foreign shores. We permit greed for "stuff" to erode love and kindness toward others. We have sold ourselves and our higher ideals for cars, TVs, jewelry, clothes and more and have become so blinded that many of us do not even notice what is going on around us. While I am no conspiracy theorist, I am aware that there are injustices and short changing being done to us everyday without our knowledge.

Over concern with material wealth is a disease and it is spreading. Is it any wonder that societies who have other values do not want anything to do with us? Even why they hate us? While the ideas that founded this country are admirable: equality, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, we have focused almost solely on the pursuit of happiness. And it is not just that pursuit, but how we define happiness that is the danger. Corporate America, in its evolution to multinational status, has spread that material vision of "happiness" far and wide with pinpoint accurancy and effectiveness. Western Europe has long since fallen victim to it, now the East is too. Next, the whole world.

The answer starts with every one of us. We must look at ourselves and our lives and start asking the hard questions. What is it we truly need? What are the things that have truly brought us lasting personal peace and happiness? What are the things that I have that are not necessary to that peace and happiness? What are the things I can do to bring that true peace and happiness into my life and the lives of others? I would be willing to bet that the answers to these questions do not gel with what Madison Avenue has been telling us.

I am not saying that all material things are evil and that we should not be striving for progress. It is only when we can focus on things other than basic survival that we can give time and space to higher principles. What I am concerned about is the unchecked pursuit of these things and the dangerously elevated status placed on them. I refuse to have the value of my life on this earth to be defined by the pile of "stuff" I have accumulated and consumed by the end of it. I am not the sum of my things; I am the sum of my actions and the effect these actions have had on this world. My life is justified by how I have brought more love, compassion, understanding, and kindness into this world.

If you had to write your obituary today, what would you want it to say? How would you want the value of your life to be summed up? What would you want your impact on this world to be?

On the flip side...

Yesterday I wrote about settling and why it should be avoided. Fear of settling leads many in another harmful direction- the pursuit of perfection and living life with blinders on. The most obvious place people do this is in relationships, but it doesn't stop there.

How many times have you spoken with a friend who is in a relationship with someone who is not "perfect", but who is a caring and good person with many suitable characteristics that make for a positive and workable relationship? This friend does nothing but focus on that person's faults and why they aren't "perfect". Maybe they don't earn as much money or is as successful as your friend would like. Maybe they aren't as attractive or as well built as your friend feels they deserve. Maybe they have children from a previous relationship who are imperfect too, or have different beliefs on issues such as religion or politics. Maybe they don't say or do exactly the right thing at exactly the right time. Your friend is so focused on these things that they fail to see what is wonderful about this person and what makes them a good potential life partner. This person's only real crime is that they are not "perfect" and so your friend dumps them, continuing to look for the one person who will meet all their requirements, even though you know that the person they are looking for doesn't exist. In their eyes, anything less than the "perfect" partner is "settling", and that they cannot do!

This is just as true for jobs, houses, cars, friends, material possessions; anything that can be judged and found "lacking". So many are constantly chasing that "something better", not realizing that if they looked with open eyes that "something better" was right in front of them. They are chasing mirages; things that seem real at a distance but are really nothing more than illusions. When I talked about settling, I was discussing when we accept the ideals, motivation, and dreams of another instead of discovering and pursuing our own. I was talking about leading an inauthentic life, one that was not true to ourselves. This is very different from the fruitless pursuit of perfection that does not exist.

There is nothing wrong with sticking to your guns and not accepting a situation that is negative or harmful. In a relationship, no one should have to accept abuse or of any kind, no matter how great their partner is otherwise. No one should have to stand for being demeaned on a regular basis in a job for little pay. Everyone has the right to expect honestly, loyalty, and decency from their friends. But do not confuse the right to have standards for the right to set such a high bar that all who allow themselves to open up to you and let you see their flaws cannot measure up.

The right partner, job, or friend for you will NOT be perfect; there will be flaws and mistakes. But in the end, those flaws and mistakes should pale in comparison with the sterling qualities you see, find and value. A man who is true of spirit and kind of heart, but who might be a few inches or dollars shorter than you'd like could be exactly the right partner for you. The woman whose bust size or personal beauty does not measure up to your ideal, but who does her best to be supportive and accepting of you might just be the one you need. The job with the annoying guy in the cubicle down the hall that gives you the opportunity to stretch yourself and grow may be the one you need to be in at that moment to learn and become the person you are destined to be. The friend who may stick their foot in their mouth sometimes and is not as attentive as you'd like, but who is always there when you really need them, may be the one who is a true friend for life.

Don't blind yourself to what is around you for fear of settling. Look at the people and things around you and judge them through your own clear lens, not someone else's. Nor through a high powered microscope or rose colored glasses, either.

A partner, job, friend, or possession may not be "perfect", but they may be just perfect for you.

Settling

I am ordinary. I have not achieved any degree of stature, notoriety, or renown. I live a quiet life, doing the same day to day things that everyone else does, maybe even a bit more under the radar then others around me. No one looking at me would say to themselves "there goes Somebody". And that's okay with me. Once upon a time, when I was younger, I had a burning desire to be Somebody; a person who has done, and continues to do, great things. I didn't believe that living an ordinary life was conducive to accomplishing anything noteworthy. To do things of merit, your name had to be written in the stars for all to see and recognize. Quiet was not desirable; I had to shout to have my words be worthwhile. Happiness hinged on having the respect and admiration of others, to be seen as being a person worthy of that respect and admiration. I've learned so much since then.

Yes, what you do is important. Your actions create ripples in this life that extend out far beyond you. I would never argue they are not. Your actions define you and your principles in the eyes of others and serve as inspiration and motivation for those whose lives you touch. You have the ability through them to make the world a better place for all and the duty to do so. But just as important is the person that you are and that you choose to be. It's the person inside; the inner being whose thoughts and feelings guide those actions. And the only person who can truly appreciate that person is you, because you are the only person that can truly see that inner being in its unadorned state. You are the only one who can hear the rhythm of your own drum and follow along.

I talk about settling because it is something that so many of us do and that we are all tempted to do. Settling on a temporary basis can sometimes be the rest we need to regroup before carrying on, but many of us get stuck there. We confuse settling in our lives, our selves, our hopes, and our responsibilities for acceptance. We tell ourselves that we have gotten "real", that we "see things the way they really are and have dealt with it." But have we done that, or are we using "acceptance of reality" as an excuse for settling and conforming to a routine, ideal, or mode of living that is easy and comfortable? One that has been handed to us by others?

Wait a minute, you say; my life is not easy. I have a lot of obligations. I have people who count on me. Some days I feel as if I am pulled in too many directions at once and there are not enough hours in the day to do all that I need to do. I am not saying that your life is carefree; the point I want to make is that by charting a course that is set out by others and their idea of what life is and should be, we have settled for the easy path in life. It is hard to decide what the right way for YOU is and even harder to follow it when it runs counter to what everyone else is doing; to follow the path that is genuine and unique to you. It is much easier to just go along with what everyone else thinks is right and what everyone else's version of a successful life is.

Look around you, look at your life. How much of it is someone else's idea of what your life should be and how much is yours? How much of what you have someone else's idea of what the trappings of success is and how much is what you need? Do you judge the worth of someone or something by how it will be perceived by others or by what it means to you? When you add things to your life, do you still continue to feel empty, even while those around you look at you with envy?

I may be ordinary. I may have a quiet life. But it is my life, the opinions of others be damned. I have chosen not to settle, I have chosen to strike my own path into sometimes unexplored territory. I do not know where I will end up at the end of this journey, because I am not following the path of someone who has ended up at a destination and has cleared the way for me to see. It is scary and hurtful sometimes; there are times I feel alone and misunderstood, even looked down upon. That said, when you hop off the beaten track it is hard to go back. Sometimes I my path runs parallel to others or even merges with others, but when it does it is by choice. In the end, it is still my path and my destination. And I wouldn't have it any other way. The fact that I am ordinary means that my "achievement" is nothing special; it is something that we all can do. Something that YOU can do.

We are coming to the end of one year and the beginning of a new one. Use this time of reflection to ask questions and take stock of your life. Listen to the answers, even if they are not what you want to hear. Listen with YOUR ears, see with YOUR inner eye and not with the ears and eyes of others. Be true to the person you are inside and make adjustments that align your life with who you really are and what you really believe. Trust your inner self; he/she is far better and more kind than you would think. Blaze a trail unlike any that has been traveled before and do not settle for the beaten track. While you may be on your path alone, you have company. Good luck and God speed.