On the flip side...

Yesterday I wrote about settling and why it should be avoided. Fear of settling leads many in another harmful direction- the pursuit of perfection and living life with blinders on. The most obvious place people do this is in relationships, but it doesn't stop there.

How many times have you spoken with a friend who is in a relationship with someone who is not "perfect", but who is a caring and good person with many suitable characteristics that make for a positive and workable relationship? This friend does nothing but focus on that person's faults and why they aren't "perfect". Maybe they don't earn as much money or is as successful as your friend would like. Maybe they aren't as attractive or as well built as your friend feels they deserve. Maybe they have children from a previous relationship who are imperfect too, or have different beliefs on issues such as religion or politics. Maybe they don't say or do exactly the right thing at exactly the right time. Your friend is so focused on these things that they fail to see what is wonderful about this person and what makes them a good potential life partner. This person's only real crime is that they are not "perfect" and so your friend dumps them, continuing to look for the one person who will meet all their requirements, even though you know that the person they are looking for doesn't exist. In their eyes, anything less than the "perfect" partner is "settling", and that they cannot do!

This is just as true for jobs, houses, cars, friends, material possessions; anything that can be judged and found "lacking". So many are constantly chasing that "something better", not realizing that if they looked with open eyes that "something better" was right in front of them. They are chasing mirages; things that seem real at a distance but are really nothing more than illusions. When I talked about settling, I was discussing when we accept the ideals, motivation, and dreams of another instead of discovering and pursuing our own. I was talking about leading an inauthentic life, one that was not true to ourselves. This is very different from the fruitless pursuit of perfection that does not exist.

There is nothing wrong with sticking to your guns and not accepting a situation that is negative or harmful. In a relationship, no one should have to accept abuse or of any kind, no matter how great their partner is otherwise. No one should have to stand for being demeaned on a regular basis in a job for little pay. Everyone has the right to expect honestly, loyalty, and decency from their friends. But do not confuse the right to have standards for the right to set such a high bar that all who allow themselves to open up to you and let you see their flaws cannot measure up.

The right partner, job, or friend for you will NOT be perfect; there will be flaws and mistakes. But in the end, those flaws and mistakes should pale in comparison with the sterling qualities you see, find and value. A man who is true of spirit and kind of heart, but who might be a few inches or dollars shorter than you'd like could be exactly the right partner for you. The woman whose bust size or personal beauty does not measure up to your ideal, but who does her best to be supportive and accepting of you might just be the one you need. The job with the annoying guy in the cubicle down the hall that gives you the opportunity to stretch yourself and grow may be the one you need to be in at that moment to learn and become the person you are destined to be. The friend who may stick their foot in their mouth sometimes and is not as attentive as you'd like, but who is always there when you really need them, may be the one who is a true friend for life.

Don't blind yourself to what is around you for fear of settling. Look at the people and things around you and judge them through your own clear lens, not someone else's. Nor through a high powered microscope or rose colored glasses, either.

A partner, job, friend, or possession may not be "perfect", but they may be just perfect for you.