What does supposed to be mean?

"That's not how it's supposed to be!" "You're supposed to do this, say that, act like this." "A person in your position just doesn't do that!" How many times have we said this, let alone thought this, whether about ourselves or someone else? And just what does it mean? Does it mean that if we don't look, speak, or act a certain way, there's something wrong with us? Who decides what "supposed to" looks like?

Society sets legitimate standards for legitimate reasons. Standards for conduct help to keep society running smoothly and assist in preventing harm and exploitation of all members of society. But there is a tipping point after which standards create rigid codes which no longer keep people working together in harmony, but instead create discord. This is where prejudices, unnecessary judgement, and hypocrisy occur. Hatred, distrust, and intolerance of anything that deviates from "the norm" push people apart and erode the ties that bind us as human beings. Conformity becomes more important than what is right, just, or honest. The standards lose their meaning, and, consequently, their authority.

I would suggest that rather than ask if something is within the bounds of "normal", we ask a few questions as a kind of litmus test before making judgement. Is the person or thing done with an underlying sense of honesty and good intent? Is it harmful to others? Is it done with integrity and responsibility? What are the effects or results that derive from it? In my mind, if the way something looks, speaks, or acts is done within those parameters, who really cares if it falls within the bounds of what is "normal"? Much of what we do today in modern American society has been considered "abnormal" or "subversive" by some culture somewhere at some point in time. But labeling an something "abnormal" or "bad" does not make it wrong. If someone who is otherwise a happy, positive person who fulfills their responsibilities, takes care of themselves and others, and causes no harm wants to believe they are an alien from another planet, does it really matter? If a woman who is a good person wants to live in an open, loving, committed relationship with another person, male or female, is it wrong? If a young boy wants to take ballet lessons instead of karate because he enjoys it, how is that a bad thing? If a man who is a kind and loving husband, father, and friend likes to secretly and privately dress in women's underwear every once and a while in his own home, where's the harm? The only way these could be categorized as wrong is if you hold that anything that falls outside a narrow band of "appropriate behavior" is wrong.

Indeed, rules exist for a reason and should be respected. However, respect is a far cry from blind obedience without examining a rule's validity and purpose. While I don't believe that "rules were meant to be broken", I do believe that most rules were meant to be bent some times, for some reasons. We shouldn't cripple ourselves and others by holding on to "supposed to". If we all act with honesty, integrity, compassion, and ill will toward none, then we'll all do just fine and our society will too.