To friends old and new...

When it comes to me and friends, I don't know which came first; the chicken or the egg. Did I not have a lot of friends because it was never a priority, or was my ambivalence come from the fact I didn't ever have many friends? I have always been a bit more self-contained than most and was never uncomfortable in my own company. Is it who I am, or is it a long standing reaction to having a hard time making friends when I was growing up? As a kid, I was a bully's ideal candidate; I was skinny and a late bloomer, not athletic, bookwormish, got good grades and was liked by the teachers, had red hair and freckles, and was very precocious. The only thing I didn't have were buck teeth and glasses. I remember wanting to be invited to classmates' birthday parties, only to not be, and to being one of the last ones picked for any teams in school. I would guess that I did want to have friends, but were they picking up on a vibe I was sending out and responding accordingly?

Some people are natural magnets who attract people with their warmth, open nature, and enthusiasm; that is not me. I have never been accused of being the life of the party or the most easily approachable person, but at this point in my life that is who I am. I like who I am and as a friend, I may not be the warmest, but I am very loyal, caring, and supportive of those who I care about. There is a very clear and definite line for me between an acquaintance and a friend, and I never thought I needed very many of either. But something strange has happened- at the age of 37, I have friends, plural. And not just family members or significant others. I have looked up and found myself surrounded by people who care about what I am doing and who I am. None of this was intentional, it just happened, and I have received support for my personal growth and my work that I never would have expected. The thing I find most surprising of all is how much I have discovered that I like it.

I think this is because of a combination of things; some internal, some external. As I have aged, my outlook in life, my perceived need to defend myself, and my appreciation for the quirks and differences in others has changed. I have settled into the world and found the place where I want to be in it. The people I meet who are my age, or people I have known for a while, seem to be in the same place too, for the most part. I have found the importance of expressing myself and speaking the truth, while being diplomatic and sensitive to the feelings of others. This lets people get to know me, but not hate me before they do. I have realized that love is a thing that should be shared with all, not just a hand picked few or a significant other. I have profound moments where I just plain LOVE my friends... and I have to tell you, it feels pretty darn good. I'm no longer "saving my love" for someone "special", hording it like a secret stash of chocolate. I tell my friends I love them and that they are important to me, and mean it.

I would like to believe that I have just been lucky enough to be surrounded by the right people at the right time, but I don't think that's true. I am coming to believe that wonderful people are all around you if you choose to see them. Not to say that I have not made some mistakes and been unpleasantly surprised by people who I thought were friends, but I have been pleasantly surprised far more often than not.

At this time of year especially, thinking of all the things you are grateful for and showing appreciation for the people and things that matter most in your life is something that should be a regular occurrence. To that end, I want to send my love and admiration to all those I call my friends, old and new. I am thankful that you are in my life and all that you add to it. I would not and could not be who I am without you.