Understanding "why?"

I have some friends who are experiencing times of trials. One is going through a nasty divorce, another is helping his 25 year old son battle cancer, a third is trying to find peace in a time of financial difficulty. All of them have asked to some degree, "Why me?" One of them expressed anger or frustration with God, but I'm sure that the others feel it and have just said nothing to me about it. I have asked the same question myself at times, or some variation like "What have I done to deserve this?", "Why is this happening to me?", or, my personal self-pity favorite, "Why am I going through this while others who are not as good as me aren't?" I'm sure these questions look familiar to you all, since I bet you've asked them yourself at one time or another. Well, I may have an answer for you.

I won't ascribe this answer to God necessarily, although I do believe in Him and that He has a plan for us. We are the sum of our experiences and our reactions to them. We have been given the infinite capacity to process and to learn, if we choose to. Most of the truly effective learning we do is done in a struggle against adversity- sad but true. What we choose to learn from an experience is entirely up to us. We can choose to take away a positive or constructive lesson, or we can choose to take an experience and turn it into a justification for our prejudices and negative thoughts.

Why should we go through life as if it is nothing but one big time of trial. When we look for and find the negative lessons in life, we lose the perspective to recognize even the good times. Life is meant to be lived, good times and bad. It is up to us to decide how much of our lives is filled with bad times and just how bad they are. If we take the view that life is a continual learning experience and place the lessons of the day into the larger framework of our entire lives, even the worst of experiences is a blip on the radar. It is only one moment of many and we can choose to give it meaning by allowing it to drag us down or by allowing it to help us learn and grow.

The meaning of your life is not summed up today, it is summed up the day that you die. Use every day and every experience to help you on your journey of becoming who you are, who you are meant to be. Let them teach you constructive lessons and insights into how you relate to the world and what you can do to better make your mark in it. Live for your entire life, not just the sporadic moments of happiness. If those moments are the only ones that you allow to teach you anything, then how much knowledge and understanding are you letting pass you by?

Since I'm blogging on the Political Simpleton...

I'll save the more personal stuff for here. This is the place where I can riff on the thoughts and observations on people, thoughts, and feelings.

Been on an online dating site- got depressed on Valentine's Day and wanted to give it a shot. It's been interesting to say the least. Men are funny (but I'm sure they think that way about us). These are guys who are serious enough about looking for someone that they have taken the trouble to put a profile online and check it. Some have even come out and said they are looking for a long term relationship. For a guy to actually come out and declare that, that he's looking for a serious relationship; that's some major stuff. Most guys want to be able to leave a foot outside the door, so they'll say they're interested in dating so they can always come back with they weren't looking for anything serious when the girl they've been dating wants more.

Anyway, in the curse of only a week I have been intently pursued and then mysteriously rejected by 4 different guys. For anyone who has done online dating before, you know the one- he fills up your inbox and wants responses, says he wants to know all about you, maybe even wants your number or gives you his, and then POOF!. In a puff of smoke he is gone, as quickly as he appeared...

Or the one that wants to talk right away because he is too busy to email. Then dude, why are you on an ONLINE dating site, where communication is done via email. Would you call someone who came up to you on the street, said two sentences to you and gave you their number? Heck, no, but this guy who says he is looking for a long term relationship, whose profile heading is "Looking for a wife and mother" thinks that is reasonable. If he has no patience for exchanging a couple of emails, does he have the patience to deal with a colicky baby. Somehow I think not...

We won't even go into the guys who are of a certain age, who are totally average in looks and not the most fit specimens (but claim to be average or athletic- compared to who, men in a retirement home?), yet feel that they should be dating a woman under the age of 28, is hot looking, who wears a size 2 or 4 and has a c cup or better, and who could get any guy she wants. This woman will be mature, independent, have a stable job, is not high maintenance, and is happy dating a completely average guy with nothing special going for him in the looks or money department. I find it inspiring that there are people who are capable of such strong irrational faith in this world- or completely frightening...

Or the ones who think that the way to a girl's heart is by completely insulting her and pissing her off, cause "we all like a challenge". If he treats me kindly from the get go, I might expect it. Better to let me know what I'm getting into from the start, I mean who can't respect that kind of honesty...

There's more stories in the naked city, but I will peel them off one by one like the layers of an onion. And like an onion, they are stinky and can make you cry if you let them...

When too much is not enough

I am a devoted mother who happens to be a never married single parent who has raised my son without a partner. It has not always been an easy road to take, but before I made that choice I took the time to seriously consider all the options, responsibilities, and consequences of my actions. I had not planned to get pregnant, but realized that I was in the right place mentally and emotionally to have a child and could develop the resources necessary to successfully raise that 1 child. I have never taken any government assistance other than unemployment when I was laid off nor took any child support, no matter how hard things got over the 10 years of my son's life. While I would like to have another child one day, I know that raising that child alone again is not an option; it would be more than I could handle and just not be fair.

That said, while I understand a woman's desire and right to have and raise a child outside of a relationship, I do not understand the selfishness and lack of forethought displayed by Nadya Suleman. She deliberately planned to have a minimum of 7 children with no job or ability to raise them independently. She did not start to have her children until she was on disability for a back injury sustained on the job. She used the state's money to allow her to be pregnant for the bulk of the last 9 years and her pregnancies to justify her disabled status in order to keep collecting checks. She, in an interview, referred to herself as an 'incubator'. The fact that she claims to have saved for the money to pay for her in vitro shows that she did all this deliberately. Granting that the octuplets were not in her plan, at what point during her 6 other pregnancies did it not occur to her that the fact that she was raising these children without a partner, making her these children's sole support, was more than she could handle? Did she think that eventually she would meet a man who would want to be with her and help her raise all these kids? Did she really think that she could without a doubt be a good mother to all these children? As a woman who has experienced what I have experienced, her delusional and irresponsible behavior flat out mystifies and disgusts me. And the fact that I, as a tax payer, am expected to foot the bill is a slap in the face.

I and every one else is paying to support these kids have a vested interest in their welfare. In that interest, I would suggest that these children be taken from Miss Suleman and be placed with families that have the ability and desire to raise them responsibly. If she had the means, I may not feel that way. If she found herself in this situation by accident (although 7 times would be a stretch), I would be more sympathetic. However the fact that she deliberately chose to do this and underwent hardship to carry it out gives me no reason to be sympathetic. She chose to bring children into the world with no regard to their safety and future welfare and felt that it was everyone else's responsibility to help fund this. To me, it is child endangerment, pure and simple.

People have vilified the doctor who did this, laying the blame at his feet by saying that he never should have done the in vitro to begin with. This woman is unhinged and determined; if it was not this doctor, she would have done whatever it took to find another. The responsibility and blame lies on her shoulders and hers alone. Someone needs to show the regard for these children's rights and needs and place them in good, loving homes and her in jail or a mental institution where anyone who shows that kind of callous disregard for her children should be. Her delusion and need to be loved will never allow her to do that.

I hate to see a situation where the state needs to act in a way that infringes on the rights of another, but enough is enough. That is a lesson these children should never have to learn the hard way.

25 Random Things...

I saw an online article yesterday complaining about this new thing sweeping Facebook called 25 Random Things About _____ . The article went off on how trivial and self serving it was and made fun of the whole thing. I can't say as I agree. I and a number of people I know have made and posted our lists. On the whole, these are people I have not seen in a very long time and am reestablishing contact with. Even though I have always remembered them fondly, I have not been an active part of their lives for as much as 25 years. I have learned so much about them from these lists, things that make me see and appreciate them in a light that I may never had if this list did not exist. For that, I am grateful.

There is so much to a person and what defines them, a unique combination of personality and experience. So much of what shapes a person, especially who they are inside, can be small things that have a huge impact, but are not "important" enough to become a part of conversation. I read so many things that surprised, impressed, and moved me that would never come up in a call or email and things in common I never would have suspected or thought of asking about. I have such greater appreciation for the people who have been a part of my life; people who I thought were just accidentally placed there. It seems that it may not be so accidental. Even if I never see or speak to these people again, I have learned something from them all which will always make them valuable to me. I have been allowed to see into who they are, what they value, and what makes them unique and special. This seemingly trivial act, the making of this list, has given me far more than I ever could have imagined. I hope that all of the people I know make this list. I look forward to the little treasures they will leave behind.

Thank you to whoever started this list. You have connected me to a world I would not have known existed.

Glass houses...

I was reading about the disappointing result of the Daschle and Killefer nominations, I am reminded of two catchphrases. The first is, "Karma is a bitch." The second is, "Character is who you are when no one is watching." Both of these apply here. I don't think that these two individuals thought that the rules did not apply to them, although there seem to be plenty in Washington who do. I honestly believe that they are like a lot of us- they acted selfishly because they didn't think they were going to get caught and, since it was only taxes, no one was going to get hurt by them trying to keep more of their money than they should.

Before we condemn, let's have a moment of honesty here. Have you ever taken a deduction that was iffy or fudged an amount? Don't lie, almost everyone has. How do you think CPAs and tax attorneys stay in business? Why do we feel it is okay for us to condemn some one's character for something we have no qualms doing ourselves? Aren't we only harming ourselves by rejecting the help of experienced and well qualified people because they are no more perfect than we are? Obama, in reaction to this "scandal" has said that there should not be a different set of rules for those in office than there is for the American public. By expecting perfection from our public officials but not from ourselves, aren't we creating a separate set of rules for them?

That said, these two people demonstrate something that many of us deny- there is a day of reckoning for every bad act we take. It may take for a while and we may even forget the circumstances under which it happened, but eventually our bad acts will come back and bite us on the butt in one way or another. The determination of the goodness of an act does not rest with whether or not we are likely to get caught. Just because you weren't detected and held responsible doesn't mean that what you did was okay.

While no one is perfect and one's good acts should outweigh the bad ones, we do not through our imperfection and good acts get carte blanche to do whatever we want, especially if we feel no one will find out or "everyone else does it too." In our hearts, we know what is right and wrong. Even if no one EVER finds out, we know what we did and it affects how we view ourselves and the choices we make later on. Karma is not limited to the outside effects of our actions, we create karma for ourselves through our internal choices. Karma is a bitch, yes, but we ultimately decide just how much of a bitch we want it to be.

Then there's character. Our knowing what is right and wrong is the voice of our character. If we ALWAYS act with character, then we never have to look over our shoulder and wonder if retribution is coming. If we make sure that we are always right with ourselves and others, that we act with the same level of honesty and integrity that we wish from others, then we will never have to worry about a day of reckoning. If you are known for always telling the truth, when a situation comes up that throws doubt on you or what you have said, then you will be ten times more likely to be believed and given the benefit of the doubt. If you lie, even occasionally, then there will always be the question of whether you are telling the truth THIS time. Why put yourself in that position? Pretend that there is always someone watching, because even if no one else is, there's always your conscience.

And you can never escape your conscience; it's always with you.

Here we go again...

While I am not familiar with all 600+ line items in Obama's stimulus plan and I'm sure that there are some things that may bear some legitimate scrutiny, I find it hard to believe that it is so bad that not a single House Republican could see enough merit in it to vote for its passage. Yet, that is just what has happened.

Remember just 8 weeks ago (my, how time has flown) when after the election, Republicans everywhere were doing the bipartisan cooperation dance. Speeches and comments right and left began with "What this country needs is an end to the bipartisan bickering..." House Democrats took out and added some items into the plan to address Republican concerns, but that was still not enough. If the plan was going to be voted for and passed by Democrats alone, no matter what changes were made, then why should the Democrats have made any changes at all? And if House Republicans were not going to vote for the plan anyway, no matter what, why suggest any changes?

If it weren't so important and have such impact, I'd think this behavior was worth a good laugh. I certainly would be laughing if, as I have witnessed many a time, I saw this behavior between my 3 year old nephew and 6 year old niece. But between grown adults it is just pathetic. The Republicans seem to still want to do things their way. The American public spoke loud and clear about what they thought about that way of doing things, but apparently the Republicans chose not to listen. Americans voted for change. Maybe the Republicans on Capitol Hill should listen to the voice of the American people and embrace a policy of change, with their role being the guardians of reason who temper the fire of radical change into something workable and sustainable.

Maybe if they were to handle this delicate time with grace and positive effectiveness, they may have a shot at getting some voters to take a good, fresh look at them again. As it is, since the election, I have seen nothing but the same old petty, vindictive schtick that I was already tired of. I have a few words for the Republican guard : stop whining, stop being negative, and DO SOMETHING! Don't just cross your arms and sulk, with an "if I can't make the rules, I don't wanna play" attitude. Wake up, grow up, and put up. America needs you, as they need all of its servants, to stand up and take action, to inspire and lead, to provide an example of how to take courage and fashion it into a better life for us all.

America has a chance to show what it is made of, to be our highest self. Our representatives should be the first and best reflection of this. If this is how they choose to take up the mantle, then I say throw them out. Which is exactly what I, and other voters, will do this coming November and the ones to follow.

Inspiring stuff

As I listened to President Obama's inauguration speech yesterday, I must admit I was quite moved at points. In many ways, it was the same message I would be delivering if it were me up on that podium. I too believe that government is only part of the puzzle, and should provide the light and example to help us lead ourselves out of this difficult time. I too believe that at the end of the day, our principles should never be compromised for what is profitable or expedient, especially when dealing with other nations. I too believe that the best way to lead, both this country and around the world, is to show that you have earned the right to lead by acting with consistent principle and with the common welfare of all in mind.

Any doubt that Obama was an ambitious man with a vision was erased in my mind yesterday. Most presidents are. I was just happy to find that his vision was mine and that his ambition was not only for himself and his own narrow agenda. My only hope and fear is that he will be forced to compromise too much on that vision or that he will be prevented from fully acting on it.

The American people wanted hope, we wanted change. Well, we got it. It's up to us to help our President to give us what we want and what we need. If we can achieve even half of what was spelled out in yesterday's Inaugural Address, we will have worked hard for a worthy goal, have much to be proud of, and have left a fine legacy and example for our children and for future generations to come.

Let's lift ourselves up, dust ourselves of, and walk boldly into the positive future we are about to create.