Settling

I am ordinary. I have not achieved any degree of stature, notoriety, or renown. I live a quiet life, doing the same day to day things that everyone else does, maybe even a bit more under the radar then others around me. No one looking at me would say to themselves "there goes Somebody". And that's okay with me. Once upon a time, when I was younger, I had a burning desire to be Somebody; a person who has done, and continues to do, great things. I didn't believe that living an ordinary life was conducive to accomplishing anything noteworthy. To do things of merit, your name had to be written in the stars for all to see and recognize. Quiet was not desirable; I had to shout to have my words be worthwhile. Happiness hinged on having the respect and admiration of others, to be seen as being a person worthy of that respect and admiration. I've learned so much since then.

Yes, what you do is important. Your actions create ripples in this life that extend out far beyond you. I would never argue they are not. Your actions define you and your principles in the eyes of others and serve as inspiration and motivation for those whose lives you touch. You have the ability through them to make the world a better place for all and the duty to do so. But just as important is the person that you are and that you choose to be. It's the person inside; the inner being whose thoughts and feelings guide those actions. And the only person who can truly appreciate that person is you, because you are the only person that can truly see that inner being in its unadorned state. You are the only one who can hear the rhythm of your own drum and follow along.

I talk about settling because it is something that so many of us do and that we are all tempted to do. Settling on a temporary basis can sometimes be the rest we need to regroup before carrying on, but many of us get stuck there. We confuse settling in our lives, our selves, our hopes, and our responsibilities for acceptance. We tell ourselves that we have gotten "real", that we "see things the way they really are and have dealt with it." But have we done that, or are we using "acceptance of reality" as an excuse for settling and conforming to a routine, ideal, or mode of living that is easy and comfortable? One that has been handed to us by others?

Wait a minute, you say; my life is not easy. I have a lot of obligations. I have people who count on me. Some days I feel as if I am pulled in too many directions at once and there are not enough hours in the day to do all that I need to do. I am not saying that your life is carefree; the point I want to make is that by charting a course that is set out by others and their idea of what life is and should be, we have settled for the easy path in life. It is hard to decide what the right way for YOU is and even harder to follow it when it runs counter to what everyone else is doing; to follow the path that is genuine and unique to you. It is much easier to just go along with what everyone else thinks is right and what everyone else's version of a successful life is.

Look around you, look at your life. How much of it is someone else's idea of what your life should be and how much is yours? How much of what you have someone else's idea of what the trappings of success is and how much is what you need? Do you judge the worth of someone or something by how it will be perceived by others or by what it means to you? When you add things to your life, do you still continue to feel empty, even while those around you look at you with envy?

I may be ordinary. I may have a quiet life. But it is my life, the opinions of others be damned. I have chosen not to settle, I have chosen to strike my own path into sometimes unexplored territory. I do not know where I will end up at the end of this journey, because I am not following the path of someone who has ended up at a destination and has cleared the way for me to see. It is scary and hurtful sometimes; there are times I feel alone and misunderstood, even looked down upon. That said, when you hop off the beaten track it is hard to go back. Sometimes I my path runs parallel to others or even merges with others, but when it does it is by choice. In the end, it is still my path and my destination. And I wouldn't have it any other way. The fact that I am ordinary means that my "achievement" is nothing special; it is something that we all can do. Something that YOU can do.

We are coming to the end of one year and the beginning of a new one. Use this time of reflection to ask questions and take stock of your life. Listen to the answers, even if they are not what you want to hear. Listen with YOUR ears, see with YOUR inner eye and not with the ears and eyes of others. Be true to the person you are inside and make adjustments that align your life with who you really are and what you really believe. Trust your inner self; he/she is far better and more kind than you would think. Blaze a trail unlike any that has been traveled before and do not settle for the beaten track. While you may be on your path alone, you have company. Good luck and God speed.

More on perception...

Perception is a powerful force. It colors facts and the world as it exists and can change them into whatever vision the perceiver wishes it to be. This can be for the good or for the bad. People in love often turn a blind eye on the faults of their beloved, looking at all that person does through the benevolent eye given them by love. People can also let bad experience taint everything and everyone with the shadow of suspicion and mistrust, so that even the most innocent gesture seems suspect in the eyes of the perceiver.

Given the truth of the power of perception, it is not a stretch to say that we all have the ability to create the world we live in. We can make it a happy place, full of love, kindness, generosity, and general good will. We can also make it a place of full of malice, selfishness, deception, and ill will. It is up to us to decide what kind of world we want to live in and to tune our perception accordingly. Are we willing to give others the benefit of the doubt, or are we going to insist on placing a negative motive to every slight to us, whether real or imagined?

I, for one, would rather live in a world where people are flawed and make mistakes, but are essentially good people with good intentions. They are not out to deliberately hurt anyone and wish to act justly and fairly. Any bad acts are not done out of malice, but out of a lack of consideration of the potential consequences or of a human weakness (which we all have). That is not to excuse selfishness or pettiness, but to place it in context and to maintain the hope we have the ability to rise above it. The world I live in has a bright future as long as all act according to the higher calling of their nature and do what they can to act for the common welfare of all. I choose to see mankind as the force for good that they can be if they only choose to be. As the hymn says, "We are the Light of the world. May our light shine before all, that they may see the good that we do..."

What kind of world do YOU want to live in? Are you willing to make the adjustment in perception necessary to bring it about? Will you exercise compassion, patience, and understanding when the situation requires you to in order to keep this vision of the world? It is a challenge, yes, but one that is worthwhile and necessary to the world's survival and to ours as well.

Let the love and generosity of the Christmas spirit guide you, not just today, but every day of the year. Be like Ebeneezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol (if you haven't read it, it's a short read and I suggest you do so). Use the good will of this time of year to put you in touch with the part of yourself that recognizes and believes in hope and the goodness of others. Apply that belief in your dealings with others. If the eyes of a man like Scrooge can be opened and his perception changed, then so can yours.

The Politics of Perception

At a time when this nation is dealing with major issues on several fronts and DESPERATELY needs to work together, political sour grapes is yet again rearing its ugly head. There are small minded politicians who are on the attack and putting their own petty concerns above the demonstrated need for political unity and cooperation.

I am talking about the comments of Rep. Eric Cantor of Virginia, the new GOP House whip: "The serious nature of the crimes listed by federal prosecutors raises questions about the interaction with Gov. Blagojevich, President-elect Obama and other high ranking officials who will be working for the future president." He is joined by right-wing pundits and the head of the RNC in their insistence on tying Obama to this man and slinging him through the mud. But the perception they are trying to create does not match reality.

In hours of tapes the FBI collected in taps of the phones on Blagojevich's home and offices, there were no calls made to Blagojevich by Obama. In fact, Blagojevich is recorded using expletives to describe Obama and complain of the lack of gratitude and appreciation from the Obama camp. This is not the only act of political corruption or influence peddling that the Governor is accused of. He is accused of trying to use his influence to silence editors who were publicly critical of him and of threatening others by withholding promised government suppot. Not exactly the words and actions that would display any long standing corruption between Obama and Blagojevich. But the Republicans are grasping at any straw to find fault with Obama, so the fact that the two men are from the same state, have spoken to each other, and are from the same party is enough to make him guilty in their eyes.

I think that the Right at this point is trying to find anything they can to bring Obama down in the eyes of the public. He has gone across party and ideological lines in assembling his Cabinet and is actually showing signs of taking his mandate seriously. Early indications show that he may even be successful in his execution of the job. The Republican leadership and right-wing pundits want anything but that. They want him to fall on his face so that they can pick up the Presidency and regain control of Congress by 2012. They even hold out hope that they can foist someone like Sarah Palin on us again and have a landslide victory on their hands. But where would that leave the American people and their nation? I really think they are so short-sighted and blinded by partisanship that they really aren't thinking about it or, even worse, don't care.

It's this type of behavior that shows the ugly side of politics which turns people off and causes voter apathy. At this point in time, we need people to feel hope, to feel inspired, to want to rise above our difficulties, and to have the strength and fortitude to take the action (and make the sacrifices) necessary to do what needs to be done. This is not a time for vindictiveness and infighting in Washington, among its public servants, or its party leadership. Nor is it for America. This is a time for unity and to show ourselves and the world what it means to be an American.

Let's all focus on sharing the credit for our future success when they arrive, not look to assign the blame for failures that have not even happened. Let's keep a proper and positive focus and knock off the petty chest thumping. We owe it to our, our children's, and our nation's health and survival.

A lesson from my father...

My father is a smart man who likes to make jokes and be silly with his children and grandchildren, but he also tosses out the occasional pearl of wisdom that on reflection can knock you for a loop. The latest occurred on Thanksgiving weekend when I went up to visit him.

My son and I went to see Independence Hall and the Liberty Bell on a day trip to Philadelphia. Ian loved it, asking all kinds of questions and generally keeping his hand up in the air while on the tours to get them answered. I don't know if the guides thought it was a welcome change or that he was a pain in the butt. He told my dad all about it when we got back to his place and my dad said something profound. He said that the more he found out about the founding fathers, the more he admired them because they were highly imperfect people who were committed to creating something better than themselves. I had to stop and think at that one.

Picture the founding fathers as a group. There were native born Americans and ones who came here from other places. There were old and young. There were experienced and jaded men in the group, as well as ones who had a lot of years before them but were enthusiastic and full of the grand visions of youth. There were those born well to do and those born to poverty. That this group of such different men were able to agree on a single vision is remarkable enough, but that it was such a sweeping and revolutionary vision really shows that something very special and rare occurred in those rooms. Men like Benjamin Franklin, who had seen it all, was an established businessmen, and of a very practical mind, combined their vision of what a nation could be with men like Alexander Hamilton, who grew up poor in the Caribbean but had youthful idealism, ambition, and vigor. They all cared passionately about what they were doing and said to themselves that if they were going to create the government of a nation from scratch, then they were going to sit down and do it right. It was not enough to piece something together from what had been done before.

Both the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution were originally supposed to be mere adjustments to documents and relationships already in place. The Declaration was to have been nothing more than an official complaint letter to King George and the Constitution a revision of the Articles of Confederation. But once those men got into a room together and started talking, they all came to the mind that it just wasn't enough. They wanted to draw their line in the sand and create documents that aspired to the best in us and manifested the higher ideals of humankind in a workable way. They knew that it would not be easy and that their work would not be perfect, but darn it, they were going to give it a try and do the best they could. Their best try has lasted the better part of 250 years and are documents that have been models for similar ones the world over. While we are still a relatively new nation, our Constitution is the oldest one still in use. I'd say they were successful, don't you?

When you look at the stories of these men, their imperfections are there for anyone to see. They were no angels. Ben Franklin left his wife behind for years at a time, had at least one illegitimate son (who inherited his legacy), and died of a venereal disease (syphilis). Alexander Hamilton was an illegitimate son of a woman who was drummed out by her husband for having the affair which resulted in his birth. He was brash, had a quick and nasty temper, and caused quite a few scandals. Thomas Jefferson was a slaveholder who fathered many children with one of his slaves, Sally Hemmings, yet never recognized her status in his life or freed her. John Adams was a back stabber who was moody and vindictive. James Monroe was an opportunist that betrayed Hamilton, his lifelong friend, for political gain. Thomas Paine, whose work Common Sense was an impetus for these men, was in and out of debtors prisons during his life. Not the nicest bunch of guys, but they saw the opportunity to rise above who they were, to imagine an ideal form of government that achieved what had until then been impossible, and to make it happen.

The next time you think to yourself that you aren't capable of doing anything truly inspiring, idealistic, or admirable because you are flawed, you are less than, think about these men and what they accomplished. They were no better than you, but they left a great and lasting legacy that is more than any one of them. You have the ability to do that too. While you may not have the opportunity to form a nation, there are chances to do wonderful things and make a difference all around you. Some are in concert with others, some are individual. Some are big, some are small. But all are within your grasp and allow you draw your line in the sand, say enough, and do something about it. Whatever good you achieve is that much more good than the world had before your efforts.

What are you waiting for? Stop, look, see, and, most of all, DO!

To friends old and new...

When it comes to me and friends, I don't know which came first; the chicken or the egg. Did I not have a lot of friends because it was never a priority, or was my ambivalence come from the fact I didn't ever have many friends? I have always been a bit more self-contained than most and was never uncomfortable in my own company. Is it who I am, or is it a long standing reaction to having a hard time making friends when I was growing up? As a kid, I was a bully's ideal candidate; I was skinny and a late bloomer, not athletic, bookwormish, got good grades and was liked by the teachers, had red hair and freckles, and was very precocious. The only thing I didn't have were buck teeth and glasses. I remember wanting to be invited to classmates' birthday parties, only to not be, and to being one of the last ones picked for any teams in school. I would guess that I did want to have friends, but were they picking up on a vibe I was sending out and responding accordingly?

Some people are natural magnets who attract people with their warmth, open nature, and enthusiasm; that is not me. I have never been accused of being the life of the party or the most easily approachable person, but at this point in my life that is who I am. I like who I am and as a friend, I may not be the warmest, but I am very loyal, caring, and supportive of those who I care about. There is a very clear and definite line for me between an acquaintance and a friend, and I never thought I needed very many of either. But something strange has happened- at the age of 37, I have friends, plural. And not just family members or significant others. I have looked up and found myself surrounded by people who care about what I am doing and who I am. None of this was intentional, it just happened, and I have received support for my personal growth and my work that I never would have expected. The thing I find most surprising of all is how much I have discovered that I like it.

I think this is because of a combination of things; some internal, some external. As I have aged, my outlook in life, my perceived need to defend myself, and my appreciation for the quirks and differences in others has changed. I have settled into the world and found the place where I want to be in it. The people I meet who are my age, or people I have known for a while, seem to be in the same place too, for the most part. I have found the importance of expressing myself and speaking the truth, while being diplomatic and sensitive to the feelings of others. This lets people get to know me, but not hate me before they do. I have realized that love is a thing that should be shared with all, not just a hand picked few or a significant other. I have profound moments where I just plain LOVE my friends... and I have to tell you, it feels pretty darn good. I'm no longer "saving my love" for someone "special", hording it like a secret stash of chocolate. I tell my friends I love them and that they are important to me, and mean it.

I would like to believe that I have just been lucky enough to be surrounded by the right people at the right time, but I don't think that's true. I am coming to believe that wonderful people are all around you if you choose to see them. Not to say that I have not made some mistakes and been unpleasantly surprised by people who I thought were friends, but I have been pleasantly surprised far more often than not.

At this time of year especially, thinking of all the things you are grateful for and showing appreciation for the people and things that matter most in your life is something that should be a regular occurrence. To that end, I want to send my love and admiration to all those I call my friends, old and new. I am thankful that you are in my life and all that you add to it. I would not and could not be who I am without you.

All you need is love?

Love. People spend countless hours, money, and attention in their search for it. I think the search for love, the feelings it creates, and the loss of it are the primary motivations for almost everything we do. Why do we do everything in our power to twist it and reject it?

I'm single, but I'm sure that many married people can identify with what I have to say. I think it is a given that we all want love in our lives. We all want to feel that unconditional acceptance that comes from being understood and appreciated by those who love us. We want it so badly that the fear of losing it once we have it can cause us to do all sorts of crazy things. But so many of us, if not all of us at one point or another, let that fear to cause us to act in ways that deny, destroy, or push away the love we so desperately seek. As a single person, I have seen this time and time again. And it's sad.

We all need to get real about the love that we want and need in our lives. Let's just admit that love is important and start taking the steps to clear away the clutter and roadblocks we have set up for ourselves in manifesting it. Who cares what did what to whom in the past? The past is just that- the past- and all you do by continuing to allow the past to dictate your present is to continue to give those injuries more destructive power.

Let's look at an example and I think you'll see how silly it really is. You fall in love and get used/dumped/hurt, losing the love you thought you had. You get angry and defensive and tell yourself that you won't let anyone get close to you like that again so that you won't get hurt again. However, the thing that hurt so much was the absence of love, the loss of it, right? What do you do when you hold yourself apart from people and refuse to get close? You prevent yourself from getting close enough to love someone or for them to love you. So you purposely create an absence of love. You are creating exactly the same situation that you found so hurtful and damaging. Does that make any sense?

There are no guarantees in life; not all loves end happily ever after. You might get hurt. But don't ensure that you never have the love you want and need in your life by preventing it from ever happening. Take a chance; write a new story on the blank page you are given each day. Let your past hurts stay in the past; don't carry them into your future. Don't wait for a person to come along and jump through hoops to prove themselves; make the changes to yourself that will allow love to enter into your life. The only person whose actions you can control is your own. Give others the same opportunities to make mistakes you would like them to give you and do not expect more from them than they have the right to expect from you. Practice giving every day so that it becomes a habit, not a tit for tat.

Unless there is an odd number of people in the world, there is someone out there for everyone. Someone to love and be loved by us. Love is there- just open your heart and mind, then let it in.

The art of giving and receiving

In this season of giving, the flip side of receiving comes into focus as well. I have a question to ask and want you to take a moment to really think about the answer: when you give, do you give in anticipation of what you will receive in return? Is generosity a quid pro quo?

If so, I will argue that you will never get back what you give in equal measure and that you will never receive everything there was to get from the act of giving. Value is relative; give a gift worth $100 to a poor man and it has great value. Give a $100 gift to a rich man and it has little or no value. Sports tickets given to a true fan will be met with gratitude; given to a fashionista or a bookworm and those tickets will be met with scorn. So a gift that has great value to you may not have the same value to another. If the receiver gives a gift to you that shows the regard with which they hold your gift, you will be disappointed in what you get because it will not measure up in your mind.

I have an alternative to suggest- give a gift just to give, to show the other person that you have thought about them and want to bring them a moment of happiness. The joy that comes with true generosity far outweighs anything anyone could give you. It is a warmth that comes from the soul that makes a return gift a moot point. It is a feeling that will never disappoint and any gift you receive in return an added bonus.

The warmth that comes from generosity feeds your life in so many ways and makes you a nicer person to be around. It is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Think of Scrooge at the end of Dickens' A Christmas Carol as opposed to how he was at the beginning. He took the joy he felt and spread it to everyone, with a far bigger impact than mere material gifts could have. Generosity fed his love, for both himself and his fellow man. And isn't love the one thing this world always needs more of?

When someone gives you a gift, instead of judging the weight of a person's regard by the gift they give, look at the act of giving behind it and appreciate it. See the generosity and love behind the gift. I know the phrase "it's the thought that counts" is tired, but that does not make it any less true.

Tune in to the spirit of the season and Christmas will be richer and fuller than you could ever imagine.